Johnny Law

CAST
Officer John- mid 30s
Pete- mid 30s

(Any street, Chicago)

Officer walks up to car, stumbles a bit.

OFFICER JOHN
Do you know why I pulled you over?

PETE
Actually, officer, no I don't.

OFFICER JOHN
Oh.

PETE
Well?

OFFICER JOHN
Uh . . license please?

PETE

(Hands over his license.)
I know I wasn't speeding. . . What is this about?

OFFICER JOHN
(Fumbles license, then drops it.)
You weren't speeding, no. Do you have that insurance thing?

PETE
Uh, my insurance card? Seriously, why did you pull me over?

OFFICER JOHN
(pauses)
How much have you had to drink tonight?

PETE
Not a drop. Here's a question, how much have YOU had to drink tonight?


OFFICER JOHN
(draws his gun)
GET OUT OF THE CAR, NOW!

PETE
Relax. Alright. (He gets out of the car)

OFFICER JOHN
LIE ON THE GROUND WITH YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!

PETE
OK, please. I just want to get home to my wife.

OFFICER JOHN
(starts to cry)
Aw man, I'm sorry. You can get up.

PETE
(moving carefully, slowly)
I'm just going to get back in my car now. You can keep my license. . and I'm going to drive--

OFFICER JOHN
(Interrupts)
My girlfriend broke up with me today.

PETE
I'm sorry to hear that.

OFFICER JOHN
It sucks.

PETE
Seriously guy, have you been drinking?

OFFICER JOHN
A little. I took a couple 40s off some bums by the el. And then I chugged a six pack on my lunch. It just hurts, man.

PETE
Maybe you should go home?


OFFICER JOHN
Can't. I'm on thin ice at work.

PETE
Can I go now?

OFFICER JOHN
Wait. Do me a favor, man will ya?

PETE
What?

OFFICER JOHN
Call her for me.

PETE
You have got to be kidding me.

OFFICER JOHN
Please?

PETE
You want me to call your girlfriend?

OFFICER JOHN
Pretty please?

PETE
Look, I hope things work out. I just want to go home.

OFFICER JOHN
(Pulls gun out, points at Pete's head)
JUST FUCKING CALL HER, DIRTBAG!

PETE
Jesus! Ok, alright. What do you want me to say?

OFFICER JOHN
Just tell her I love her.

PETE
Dial her number and give me the phone.

OFFICER JOHN
No use your phone. She won't answer if she thinks its me.

PETE
(mumbles)
So I have to pay for this. That’s just great.

(Hands his phone over.)
Fine. What's her name?

OFFICER JOHN
Kelly.

PETE
What's your name?

OFFICER JOHN
John.

PETE
Uh, Kelly? Hey, I'm Pete. . a friend of John's. . no wait, don't hang up.

OFFICER JOHN
(whispers)
Tell her I can't live without her!

PETE
So, anyway. Um, he seems to be having a hard time with the breakup and all.. What, this is the FIFTH time you've tried to end it? . . No I didn't know that. . . Well anyway, he wants you to know. . Uh huh. . . yeah . . NO, of course I think restraining orders mean he shouldn't break into your apartment in the middle of the night and crawl in bed with you. . . .uh huh . . .no . . uh huh. . Selfish in bed? . . Ok. Ok. Ok. I get it. I'll tell him.

OFFICER JOHN
So buddy, I still have a chance, right?

PETE
Uh, honestly, I think she needs a little time. I'm gonna go now, alright?

OFFICER JOHN
Just one more thing.

PETE
Oh my God, WHAT?

OFFICER JOHN
Remember how I said I'm on thin ice at work?

PETE
Yeah?

OFFICER JOHN
I'm way behind on my ticket quota. I'm going to have to write you up for that busted tail light.

PETE
I don't have a .. .

OFFICER JOHN
(Glass shatters)
You do now.

(Black out.)