CAST
Osama Bin Laden–early 50's
Abu Ayyub Al-Masri-mid 40s, Bin Laden’s girl Friday.
Tom Handler-late 30's, reality show producer
Libby Johnson-late 20's, Midwestern housewife
Delores Florentine-mid 40's, Brooklyn working mom
Shawna Westwood-early 30's, Alabama housewife
(Bin Laden’s sitting room, inside a cave in Afghanistan. It’s the night before filming begins on the latest reality show–Wives Swap!)
TOM
(looking at his watch
impatiently.)
Where in the hell is this guy?
SHAWNA
Yeah, you’d think Osama Bin Laden would be punctual.
LIBBY
I’m scared. And it’s freezing in this cave.
DELORES
Does anyone know we’re here? Like maybe the government at least?
TOM
(he jumps up, and begins
pacing the cave.)
No. I couldn’t risk another producer stealing my idea. I couldn’t even take a chance on a cameraman, that’s why I’m filming this myself. Jesus! He was supposed to be here over an hour ago!
SHAWNA
I still can’t believe he agreed to this. Three of his wives are already in the states, right? Tom?
TOM
Yes, uh. I was going to wait to tell you this. . . . .
LIBBY
What?
TOM
O.K. But, you can’t breathe a word of this to Osama.
The ladies in unison
WHAT?
TOM
(voice lowered.)
My production assistants kind of misplaced his wives.
DELORES
YOU LOST OSAMA’S WIVES? How in the world is that possible?
TOM
Shhhh. I don’t know. They said the girls landed with their translator at JFK. They asked to go to the ladies room and POOF!
SHAWNA
POOF?
TOM
POOF. They were gone.
(Bin Laden and Al Masri enter, and startle the group.)
Abu
Welcome infidels to Camp Xray.
LIBBY
Xray? Isn’t that–
Abu
(interrupts)
WE HAD THAT NAME FIRST! AMERICANS ARE NOT ONLY MURDERERS BUT THEY ARE THIEVES AS WELL!
OSAMA
Pay him no mind, the Jihad is making him weary. Welcome to our home. I am Osama Muhammed Rashid Abdullah Abrahim Muhammed Bin Laden. Introduce yourselves and then you will each be beheaded.
(They shreik in horror, Osama and Abu laugh)
Just kidding. I am looking forward to filming your television show.
SHAWNA
(She walks unsteadily toward Bin laden and extends a shaky hand.)
Mr. Bin Laden my name is Shawna Westwood, pleased to meet you.
OSAMA
(He recoils in disgust)
I can not touch you until we are married tomorrow.
SHAWNA
(Looks at Tom)
Uh, Tom?
TOM
Just a formality, it’s not binding.
LIBBY
I heard so much about you. I’m Libby Johnson from Toledo.
OSAMA
Ohio?
LIBBY
Yes.
OSAMA
(laughs)
That’s where Klinger was from, no? We love watching M*A*S*H here, don’t we?
Abu
Ah yes, it is indeed one of our favorites. Hmmmmm. Hot lips.
DELORES
(Acting tough, she saunters over to him)
And I’m Delores Florentine from Brooklyn, New York.
OSAMA
Good for you.
(Looks at Tom)
And you’re the Jew.
TOM
Well yes, technically I’m Jewish. . . but--
OSAMA
At this point I’d do business with George Bush himself. Money is running out. Abu says I get three million for our Jihad if I convince these American women to stay and remain my wives after two weeks?
TOM
That’s the deal, sir. And if they choose to return to their husbands in America, they get the three million to split.
OSAMA
I need to have a word with my comrade.
(Bin Laden and Abu huddle in private conversation. They’re gesturing wildly, unintelligible Arabic is being thrown back and forth.)
LIBBY
Uh, isn’t that like treason?
TOM
One man’s treason is this man’s award winning T.V. Besides, do really you think any of you will want to stay here forever?
DELORES
(sarcastically)
I can’t stand having sex with my husband. It would be great to have another 6 or 7 women to help take some of the heat off. And can you imagine how quick the housework–or in this case–the cave work will get done?
SHAWNA
Yeah, and anything would be better than living in Alabama.
LIBBY
I always liked dark and swarthy.
TOM
Did you get a whiff of these guys? They’ve been up in these mountains without a bath since the Reagan administration.
(Osama and Abu’s voices are getting
louder.)
What are they fighting about?
(The four stop and look at Osama and Abu who now are playing Rock/paper/scissors. Osama looks defeated and Abu walks triumphantly back over to the group.)
ABU
There has been a change of plans.
TOM
What are you talking about?
OSAMA
The women will marry Abu, it is decided.
(The ladies gasp)
TOM
That is unacceptable!
ABU
But Osama already has six wives and I have none!
TOM
The show films tomorrow. Osama’s wives are in America with their husbands, and Libby, Delores, and Shawna have to live as Osama’s wives. Without that, there’s no show and no money for your Jihad.
OSAMA
Abu has been my trusted servant for years. He deserves these wives. His happiness is worth more than three million dollars.
(He nudges Abu)
And a little infidel sex will help him get through the long Afghan winters.
Abu
Ooooh. Osama, you are bad. And Zionist, now you must leave. You are not invited to my wedding.
(He throws his head back and lets out an ominous yell. A dozen armed guards appear and grab Tom and start to drag him out. The girls start to cry. One guard hands a burqua to each of the women. He forces them at gunpoint to put them on.)
DELORES
(Throws the burqua on the ground.)
I AM GOING TO PRETEND YOU DID NOT HAND THAT TO ME!
Abu
You must wear this, or you will die.
DELORES
I’d rather–
Abu
(interrupts)
BURQUA OR DEATH!
DELORES
Hey you little worm, I’M NOT WEARING THIS!
Abu
BURQUA. OR. DEATH!!!!
DELORES
KISS. MY. ASS! Girls, take those ridiculous mumus off. We’re going home.
Abu
(meekly)
Burqua or death?
Delores and the ladies throw down the burqas and march off. Abu picks up one and begins to wipe a tear from his eye. Osama comes to comfort his friend.
OSAMA
There there. Do not cry.
Abu
But I loved them.
OSAMA
Cheer up, the cast of Amazing race will be here next week.
End.
