Monday, August 28, 2006

And scene

Here's my homework I did last night. Whaddya think?

“Speed Dating”

CASTPhoebe-late 20s, Northside yuppie type
Stan-early to mid 30s, Southside “ball scratcher”
Event organizer-female voice offstage

(Speed dating happy hour at a Northside bar)

ORGANIZER
You’ll have exactly three minutes per date, so make sure you ask some good questions. Have fun, good luck, and happy dating!

PHOEBE
So, Stan . . . nice to meet you. Ever speed date before?

STAN
Nope. First time. You have some nice hoots.

PHOEBE
(Giggles)
Wow. Stan. You certainly don’t waste time. You . . .

STAN
(interrupts)
Let me tell ya, you’re a beautiful girl.

PHOEBE
Hmmmm. There’s something about you I like. So what do you do when you’re not speed dating?

STAN
I work for Streets and San. There ya go. Small talk outta da way. Where do you stay?

PHOEBE
Where do I stay? You mean like what neighborhood I live in?

STAN
Would you look at that, a great rack AND a brain. Yeah genius, where do I pick you up?

PHOEBE
Uh . . . just off Halsted and Diversey. And why would you be picking me up?

STAN
I hear you Lincoln Park broads are supposebly nymphos. I never took one of you out; that’s what my cousin Joe says anyways. He’s over there. (He waves at a nearby table) HEY JOE, I’D HIT THAT IF I WERE YOU!

PHOEBE
Nymphos?

STAN
Yeah, it means you like to fuck a lot.

PHOEBE
I know what it means. I don’t remember agreeing to a date. But if I did, you’d have to bring it down a notch.

STAN
Fuck that. Babe, if we’re going together, you gotta be able to roll with the punches.

PHOEBE
(carefully eyeing him over)
You’re just a little different from guys I usually date. My last boyfriend was an investment banker.

STAN
And a tool at that, I’ll bet. And no grief on the clothes, babe . . . or you and me . . . it ain’t gonna work.

PHOEBE
So what’s in store for me on a date with Streets and San Stan?

STAN
Cute. I dunno. Maybe Narcisse . . . or Le Passage?

PHOEBE
I love those places! That sounds great!

STAN
Yeah, we’ll I’d rather have my balls cut off with a chainsaw. God, you’re fucking gullible. What do you do that go to these fancy joints?


PHOEBE
I’m like a aeronautical engineer for Boeing or whatever . . so our date?

STAN
Probably by my ma’s for dinner. (He reaches across the table and grabs Phoebe’s hands) She’s going to fall in love with you babe. . . just like I have.

ORGANIZER
Alright speed daters, time’s up. Gentlemen move onto the next table.

STAN
(gets up)
Let’s you and me go have a couple two three beers somewhere else.

PHOEBE
(sighs)
Oh, all right.

(Black out.)

9 comments:

t2ed said...

Awesome use of supposebly.

But I think he should actually scratch his balls before grabbing her hands.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I like it, but you could be more graphic, suggesting a ball hair goatee, schnapps vomit breath, jail tattoos, and..

Oh wait, nevermind. Those are all assumed. I'm so proud to be a south sider.

angelatee said...

Thanks. Even though I've been uber-offensive as of late (I'm working on it!) I promise Stan exists.

Iwanski said...

Funny.

Just funny. Good work.

Vanderbilt Ignoble said...

Honest criticism: I think this could work better if you reworked it without the Chicago stereotypes. Stan comes off as obnoxious and a jerk(which may be the point), but if he was more likeable and subtle, the piece would be more effective. He hits the, at this point, reader over the head with his brashness and lack of couth, and the humor diminishes with each exchange because each of Stan's responses becomes expected behavior. I definitely think a speed dating session is fertile ground for comedy, but I think you'd benefit from approaching it from a different angle.

Matt said...

What Vanderbilt said... and it would be good if she showed her tits.

Anonymous said...

Hey Vanderbilt Ignoble...lighten up...she can tell it anyway she wants... it is supposebly an f'n made up story for christ sakes...

angelatee said...

Thanks Vanderbilt, I TOTALLY appreciated the constructive criticism. Relying on stereotypes is a little lazy, and anonymous is retarded.

Vanderbilt Ignoble said...

It's OK Angie. Anonymous is right. I'm just bitter 'cuz you stopped commenting on our blog.