Girlfriends

CAST
Laura Bush-America's First Lady
Condeleeza Rice-America's Secretary of State
Jose Gonzalez-Secret Service Agent

(Private family quarters of the White House on the eve of the mid-term elections. Laura and Condi are relaxing and watching political coverage on TV.)

CONDI
Those Goddamned democrats. What's she know about troop withdrawl? Hilary Clinton can kiss my black ass!

LAURA
Condi!

CONDI
Pull and pray? Girl, that's an exit strategy if you're drunk, horny and 16.

LAURA
Puh-lease. I need one night without politics. I think George TiVo'd Veronica Mars.

CONDI
I need a beer then to watch my girl Veronica solving those crimes and shit. Maybe she can find Osama for us.

LAURA
(laughs)
The George's parents polished the beer off last night. I'll send Jose for more. JOSE! OH JOSE!

(Secret Service Agent enters.)

JOSE
Mrs. Bush? What is it?

LAURA
(flirting)
Hola Jose!

JOSE
(Frustrated with whatis apparently ongoing sexual harrasment.)
Good evening Mrs. Bush.

LAURA
The Secretary of State and I would like you to go fetch us some cervesas por favor.

JOSE
Of course.

CONDI
(She pulls money out of her bra)
Amigo, here's a twenty. Get as much of whatever that will buy. Laura, you still smoking?

LAURA
(laughs)
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

CONDI
(Reaches back into her bra, gestures to Jose)
Honey, I think it's "Does a bear shit in the woods." Two packs of Parliaments. And a bag of Funyons!
(Jose takes the money and leaves.)

So where is the leader of the free world?

LAURA
(Looks at her watch.)
Right about now he's giving a speech to the D.I.C.C's in Texas.

CONDI
Dicks?

LAURA
The Department of Immigration Control and Containment. And then he's quail hunting with Cheney.

CONDI
And by that you mean they're gonna get drunk and watch porn and try not to shoot eachother.

(Her cell phone rings, she looks at the display)

Shit.

LAURA
Pretty much. Who's that?

CONDI
Kim fucking Jong Il. Hello Kim. . . Yeah I got your text. Whoa. WHOA! I gotta give you a billion dollars or you're gonna bomb South Korea? What? Ok. Uh-uh. I can't understand a word you're saying. What? Put your translator on, Kim. Put your translator on. PUT YOUR FUCKING TRANSLATOR ON!

(A pause while Kim gets his assistant)

Pete, you tell that crazy little shit to sit tight. Ok? He off the meds again? That's what I thought. Talk to you guys tomorrow.

(Knock at the door)

LAURA

Who is it?

JOSE
It's Agent Gonzales, Mrs. Bush. I have the items you and Madame Secretary requested.

LAURA
Well come in.
(Jose enters)
Beinvenidos!

JOSE
Where would you like it?
(Both ladies laugh)


Condi, he's asking me where I like it. Should I tell him?

CONDI
(Cracks open beer, lights cigarette.)
Doesn't he know you're the first lady of Fa-reek-ie?

JOSE
Mrs. Bush, my shift is ending now . . so if there's anything else you need?

LAURA
Anything I need? (breathlessly) Where do I begin?

JOSE
(horrified)
Well you have a good evening then.

(Jose exits.)

LAURA
I think he's into me, don't you?

CONDI
Ok, so I don't want to get up in your kool-aid.

LAURA
Since when did you start minding your own business?

CONDI
True. Ok so girl, what's going on with you?

LAURA
Can you keep a secret?

CONDI
I still never told no one you voted for John Kerry, now did I?

LAURA
I think I've fallen out of love with George.

CONDI
I could never understand what you saw in him in the first place. What a dope.

LAURA
Hey, when was the last time you were in a relationship? What do you know?

CONDI
(angry)
You back that thang up! Just back it up now!

LAURA
He's never leaving Hilary, Condi, you know that.

CONDI
(sobs)
But I love Bubba!

(loud yelling can be heard outside, Agent Gonzales busts back in the room.)

JOSE
Mrs. Bush, Secretary Rice, we must get you to the bunker. An angry mob of log cabin Republicans is threatening to burn down the White House!

(Laura and Condi jump up, Condi grabs the beer. Laura clings to Jose dramatically.)

LAURA
Oh, Jose. You'll save us won't you?

JOSE
M'am I'm just doing my job.

(Black out.)