I’m going away for the weekend and when I get back I plan to kill my downstairs neighbor. I have a high threshold for noisy urban apartment living, but this guy is more than any mortal can bear.
Loud music isn’t the issue. Nor is loud sex. These things I can handle.
This guy plays video games. Really freaking loud video games.*
Like I’ll be on my tip toes trying to put away a dish when all of sudden my entire apartment will start to shake. Machine gun fire is everywhere, and as luck would have it, I don’t have a fox hole to jump in. I’ll even look outside to see if those rascal gangbangers are giving someone a 21-gun salute or something. Nope. Not them. It’s the downstairs Asshole Man. And wowza, I sure do love it when I’m drifting off to sleep and I hear squealing tires, a crash, and then a high-pitched woman’s voice coming from under my bed.
I tried knocking on his door once when things really got out of control, but he didn’t answer and I’m guessing it was because he COULDN’T FUCKING HEAR ME! And let me reiterate, I do understand the tenets of living in what is essentially little boxes stacked on top of each other. But there’s a line, Downstairs Asshole Man has crossed it, and now he’s going to die.
I think I can get away with it. Some homicide detectives the ladies and I used to drink with told us if we ever killed anyone we’d so get off. The catch is, I’d have to lure him to their corner of the city. If anyone has any creative and relatively bloodless ideas on how to do this, I’m all ears.
*I have nothing against video game players, just those who think the world wants to play along with them.