Friday, February 03, 2006

My new found homicidal tendencies

I’m going away for the weekend and when I get back I plan to kill my downstairs neighbor. I have a high threshold for noisy urban apartment living, but this guy is more than any mortal can bear.

Loud music isn’t the issue. Nor is loud sex. These things I can handle.

This guy plays video games. Really freaking loud video games.*

Like I’ll be on my tip toes trying to put away a dish when all of sudden my entire apartment will start to shake. Machine gun fire is everywhere, and as luck would have it, I don’t have a fox hole to jump in. I’ll even look outside to see if those rascal gangbangers are giving someone a 21-gun salute or something. Nope. Not them. It’s the downstairs Asshole Man. And wowza, I sure do love it when I’m drifting off to sleep and I hear squealing tires, a crash, and then a high-pitched woman’s voice coming from under my bed.

I tried knocking on his door once when things really got out of control, but he didn’t answer and I’m guessing it was because he COULDN’T FUCKING HEAR ME! And let me reiterate, I do understand the tenets of living in what is essentially little boxes stacked on top of each other. But there’s a line, Downstairs Asshole Man has crossed it, and now he’s going to die.

I think I can get away with it. Some homicide detectives the ladies and I used to drink with told us if we ever killed anyone we’d so get off. The catch is, I’d have to lure him to their corner of the city. If anyone has any creative and relatively bloodless ideas on how to do this, I’m all ears.

*I have nothing against video game players, just those who think the world wants to play along with them.  



Sarah Sweeney said...

No need for murder, that's too extreme. Simply cut off his hands. See how well he plays without those opposing thumbs.

SarahReznor said...

i like sarah's idea but it's not final enough. he might come up with a handless joystick or something. rip out his eyes. he'll never play again.

Johnny Cash said...

I shot a man in Reno...just to watch him die...

Anonymous said...

I believe they call it lye. It is a solution that liquifies the body.

You put the body in a bath tub. You add the solution.
After 24 hours you pull the drain and rinse the tub.
The crazy crackuh neighbor is gone.

t2ed said...

One word: headphones.

Or make sure you've got the hole dug before you head out with him into the woods. Otherwise, while you're making the gamer dig a hole another guy will come along and then boom. Now, you need two holes

Vanderbilt Ignoble said...

if you're intent on killing this dude, why not kill him where he lives: in a video game. maybe make a bet that if you win, he has to play on mute, even though if you won he'd be so demoralized that the "girl from upstairs" beat him at Halo 2 that he would never be able to look Master Chief in the visor again. problem solved.

Anonymous said...

dont kill him, kill all his family one by one that way you have fun and he will be to busy grieving to play video games if that does not work send me your email and i will do things that the law still has not made a sentience for

Anonymous said...

i feel your pain, i unfortunatley live with my "brother", only by blood, and im going to kill his ass, i dont care if i get away with it or not, my hatred for him burns worse than any flame ive ever felt, and its gotten bad, i wanna kill myself just because i have yet to kill him, my advice, kill his ass, walk down when hes blasting his video games, and those gangbangers, get a gun off them, then no one will hear the shots over his video game, and it can be pinned on the gangs.

Anonymous said...

I really hope this is a joke because if this isn't then you are all sick.

ananth said...

put a virus on his pc that never lets him play the video game. perhaps, shutting the power supply t his house is another option you can try. :) I feel ya. I live next to warehouse for iron pipes. loading in the dead of the night. worse unloading. :)

St. John said...

No need to kill the guy. There are lots of other fun things you can do to him:

Idea 1)

See if you can get into the maintenance room of the apartment building. Then find the breaker/fuse for his unit and remove it.

If you're lucky it might take up to 24 hours for the slumlord to get his act together.

Also, while you're down there you can jack-in to his phone line and make long-distance calls or order pizzas to his apt without risking Caller-ID.

Idea 2)

Get a hot fried to lure him out of his apartment... then sneak-in, lock the door behind you, steal his keys and sneak out through the fire escape.

...then sneak-in, lock the door behind you and steal/destroy/sabotage his gaming equipment. Then sneak out through the fire escape.

Idea 3)
...Anyway, you get the idea. If you are creative about it you can turn this bad situation into an opportunity for some real fun!

Happy gaslighting :D

Jon said...

Well If you use Lye in a bathtub, I hope you're not on the top flat, that chemical will eat through most ceramics, as well as a body. A good point to cut off his hands, but like Sarah R said, he'd probably find another way around it. I Find Myself With a similar problematic roommate, Her mere Presence in the general area offends me. Sometimes for no reason. i have thought about it a lot, there is no good to come outta killing someone. Declaring a silent war against such an ass would prove to invigorating and most satisfying. Try Cutting the lines to his internet, there is virtually no voltage to worry about, and if done at the right time, it should take a little while to find the problem. Drive the man nuts, as he has done upon to you. Little things pill up, as I'm sure you understand. DO NOT SINK TO HIS LEVEL, You Have Nothing to prove, Only Satisfaction to gain. tell no one, or if you have a good friend, Preferably one you had selected to help you to dump a body, lets face it, if you think he'll do that, you'll have no problem convincing him to help you in this matter. Remember These little quotes, They have helped me in the past. 1) Patients is a virtue, 2) Revenge is a dish best served cold, 3) "If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by"