How would Goose answer these?

There's a few tell tale events that signal that I've had too much to drink. One is the phone, comes out and I start calling whoever was crazy enough to give me their number in the first place. Another involves me perhaps, ordering rounds of shots, making a new male friend, or urging pals to commit petty crimes like scaling the wall of our old high school stadium. A few weeks ago, I added a new one to the list: You know it's time for me to go home when I start blabbing about how I'm either going to become a Buddhist, or start my own religion. And then I may launch into a speal about how we're all going to disappear into a vapor soon, so it really doesn't matter if I find a religion.

Anyway, imagine my glee when I happened upon a list of questions Scientologists ask potential recruits in their "audit." I borrowed this idea from my beloved Dlisted.com. These questions are much more interesting than the ones I had to answer way back in Catechism classes. I've only selected a few, so feel free to visit this site for more. And I'm pretty sure this religion isn't for me.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person? I have a 98% success rate. No one's perfect!

• Have you ever been a professional critic? No, I'm definitely an accomplished amateur critic.

• Have you ever wiped out a family? If you have any idea of how to do that, please let me know.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? I've never tried to give sanity a bad name, however at a Bon Jovi concert in 1989 at the Peoria Civic Center, I specifically remember Jon Bon Jovi saying that I gave love a bad name. Does that count?

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion? No, well not consistently.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body? Oh, that's why he didn't call!

• Have you ever engaged in piracy? I may or may not have a few programs on my computer that were obtain at a heavy discount.

• Have you ever been a pimp? Yes, once or maybe nine times I may have pimped out friends for free drinks.

• Have you ever eaten a human body? Too many Weight Watchers points.

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing? Yes, I once poured Sun-In allover my black hair in high school and had to walk around with an orange head.

• Is anybody looking for you? God, I hope so.

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? Initially, no. But as the years wore on, I became increasingly irritated and am now about ten days away from my plan to . . . uh, you'll see soon enough.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people? Shluppidah doo winglatee!

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead? Acted? Like in a movie about a teenage boy whose parents go away and leave him alone to turn their suburban house into a brothel?

• Have you ever gone crazy? I have but try not to stay too long.

• Have you ever smothered a baby? With love and kisses, of course!

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? Wha?