Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Babies can't smoke and drink? Says who?

One of my pals who happens to be a cigarette aficionado and beer enthusiast from way back, has recently announced she’s with child. No drinkie and no smokie treats for Mommy-to-be for the next several months. A pre-natal hop on the wagon kind of sucks, and you know how I know? Because she said as much when we were all gathered for a wedding reception on Saturday.

“THIS. FUCKING. SUCKS!” she declared, white knuckled and gripping the edges of the table while I talked to her with a Marlboro Light in one hand and about 62 beers in front of me. It was open bar. Talk about pouring salt in an open wound.

“Um, you’ll be fine,” I said, and then busted out laughing as she took a drink of her O’Doul’s and shot me a look only a crazed woman could muster. A couple of times while I was enjoying my moderate habit I indulge in only while drinking, I spied a blond head next to me inhaling smoke deeply as I exhaled. I shoved her and told her to get away from me. I care about this baby, ya know?

It’s just too bad she wasn't married to a sea horse.

Most of us who were in utero in the 60’s and early 70’s can be quite certain that our moms didn’t exactly stay away from the sauce during pregnancy entirely. My mother and my friends’ moms actually told us so. These ladies were registering for bongs and fifths of Jack Daniels for baby showers, I’ll bet.  

Anyway, we’re all ok. We’ve got degrees from mediocre state universities and lackluster jobs just like everyone else. We turned out just fine, is what the old ladies say when they rationalize their pregnancies. To think if my mom didn’t have that six pack the summer of 1972, I’d be chief of staff of an Al Gore White House right now.

I’m certain that my friend Blondie will be a model pregnant lady. And I vow to be there at her house with a pack of cigarettes and a case of beer to celebrate baby Blondie coming into the world.          

6 comments:

SarahReznor said...

although i dont smoke or drink that much i know its gonna be hard for me when i get pregnant... not having the possibility to get shitfaced! but i guess eating as much as you want helps with that!

Jackie said...

I love the 'all of you kids are FINE' defense that the moms take.

That crack didn't hurt you ONE LITTLE BIT now did it?...oh! You're schizophrenic?! Just kidding.

Vanderbilt Ignoble said...

Shit, that sucks. I'm never getting pregnant!

t2ed said...

Babies. Meh. You know they're just here to replace us.

Anonymous said...

OH YEAH PREGNANT WOMEN ARE RUTHLESS.

ESPECIALLY A CRAZY BLOND WHITE CRACKUH.

Madison Sinclair said...

T2ed is so right. Babies, teens, young adults. They're all here to replace us.

However, I am staunchly opposed to birth control and greatly in favor of pre-marital sex. Conflicted? Yes. Abortion? No way. The girl I get pregnant stays pregnant.

That being said, I have dug a giant hole in my backyard. I don't think birth control is right, but i do think post-birth control is in top order. And I do agree with t2ed. Babies are totally here to replace us. Fame. I wanna live forever.

On children's first birthday, I tell small children there is a puppy sucking a lollipop under that huge tarp in the backyard. Then I push the stroller over the tarp, baby falls in, cradle and all (fall cushioned by other babies - or adults, as time goes on).

Then I smoke another cigarette, head to church, then to the hardware store to buy cement mix.

No baby is going to replace me. What would my kids say?