Saturday, January 07, 2006

Pour some Splenda on Me. . .

Men's Fitness magazine rated Chicago the fattest city in America. While I'm sure most of us living here could give one of our rat's fat asses about it, for a moment I thought I had something to do with it.

You see, I've been AWOL from my step class since September, and consequently I'm beginning to actually roll out of bed in the morning. It's not good. I was worried enough to go their site to see if this was the case. And I was curious how they arrived at this.

"Don't get your hopes up for a convenient tee time: Chicago's ratio of public golf courses to citizens is the third-lowest in our entire survey."

The mother of a friend of mine once said, "Golf is for nerds and assholes." Besides that, this is a dense, metropolitan area you fat heads! Our land goes for over-priced condos the owners of which go to the suburbs for golf. Duh.

"Commuting here burns up a lot of people's free time and contributes to stress, which raises hormones that increase the likelihood of gaining weight. How bad is it? The same trip takes 50% longer during rush hour than during off-peak driving times-the third-worst in our survey."

Geniuses, rush hour means traffic in the third most populated city in America, with . . . what did you say. . the third worst congestion? Incredible!

"Good luck finding a place to get sports equipment: Sporting-goods stores number in the bottom 10% in our survey."

OK, now this is just plain stupid. The ability to purchase exercise equipment does not a fit person make. How many of us have treadmills/laundry hangers?

The rest of America can go "moo-moo" behind our backs when we walk by, we don't care.







5 comments:

t2ed said...

Wow, that's hard hitting journalism. I thought it was going to be all the Berghoff's or ribs or Giordano's.

Just remember, 72% of all statistics are made up on the spot. But 85% of all statisticians hate their jobs.

Kris said...

I'm here in DC wearing my chubby pants and reclining so my belly has room. Now isn't that a great visual.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Chicago needs more drugs that make you forget to eat. Not supress appetite, but forget to eat. Like crack, cocaine, and heroin.

Or, they need to find the people using them and include them on the survey.

'p' is for profound said...

you're making me miss chicago and all the fat turds i used to see on the el.

Nick said...

I celebrated this study's total bunch of crap by eating a burger at Rosebud Steakhouse, having beers and going to the Weiner Circle for cheese fries.