If you live in my 7-year-old nephew Zach’s world, babies come out of women’s butts. And he thinks that because his retarded father told him so. I guess I should say “thought” because I put an end to that last Friday when he and Chad picked me up from the train last Friday.
There we were, riding along in silence when Zach bursts out.
“Babies come out of your butt, did you know that?” Zach said.
Hmm. I certainly didn’t know that, and I was curious how the little guy came to believe this. I looked at Chad, a now nervous father staring straight down the road. The air thickened in the cab of his white pickup.
Zach went on to describe—in graphic detail mind you—how these alleged rectal births play out. “Yeah, the baby is pushed out some and then the doctor helps pull it out all the way and it’s covered in poop.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “Close though.”
“Shut up Angie. Shut up Angie.” Chad said, laying down the gauntlet. But I didn’t care. How is my nephew going to be the go-to guy next fall in third grade if he’s walking around thinking babies drop out of your ass?
“Zach, there’s an opening close by there in women where the baby comes out,” I say. Zach seemed a little squeamish. Why this seemed grosser to him than the ass version, I’ll never know.
“What’s it called?” Zach asked.
“I AM GOING TO KILL YOUR AUNT!” Chad said, but the only way he was going to stop me from saying the “V” word, was if he drove the three of us into oncoming traffic.
Now this part was surprisingly hard. I really hesitated, knowing that it wasn't my place to go where I was going. . .but babies being crapped out? Come on.
“It’s a vagina Zach. A vagina!” There, my work was finished.
Chad and I busted out laughing causing Zach to think I made up the word.
More than likely, we're back to square one.