Saturday, November 19, 2005

Only you can prevent becoming a degenerate alcoholic

The following is the actual text of an email I just sent to Coors.

Dear Coors,

You clever bastards. So you're the ones responsible for that devil's brew, or excuse me Blue Moon, eh? Well that beer fooled me for the final time last night.

Blue Moon is dead to me.

Its delicate flavor and deceptive light color set off by a delicious orange slice repeatedly tricks me into thinking I could drink them like one would drink, say Miller Light or even water.

I couldn't be more wrong. And now I'm beside myself with guilt because I've been pushing this poison on my friends. All of our lives are now on the brink of ruin.

I demand answers from Coors! Or at the very least a committment to post the following warnings on your labels:

Warning: Consumption of Blue Moon may cause women to fall lips first into strange men. Any demons or inner-maniacs will be unleashed if Blue Moon is consumed in excess. Do not operate light machinery with keypads and the capability for two way voice communication while drinking Blue Moon. Blue Moon will most likely render the consumer useless for 16-18 hours after drinking. Do not attempt to dance, especially alone, after drinking Blue Moon.
Deliberately concentrating and inhaling Blue Moon can be harmful or fatal.

OK, so the last one is unlikely but I think Coors needs to cover its bases.

Thanks for nothing. And as they say, fool me once shame on you. . . fool me twice, shame on . . . whatever. It's your fault.


Angie T.

Coors responds. . . a full 48 hours later with a form letter. They're damn lucky I'm not litigious!


'p' is for profound said...

hmm. i didn't drink blue moon this weekend, and somehow managed to fall into a strange man's lips too. must be something in the chicago air?

Sarah Sweeney said...

I would like to forward your letter onto several other companies that have tricked me into similar situations: Heineken, Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Tanqueray, Bombay Saphire, Heineken again, Yellow Tail, Sierra Nevada, Oceanspray cranberry cocktail juice, Absolut, Beefeater, and Ketel One. Please note, I know this list is lengthy, however I'm working on excorsizing the demons of my degenerating alcoholism. But first I'd like to point fingers at these fine companies, for nothing else than to perhaps get a coupon in the mail.

angelatee said...

Yes, it is the air too I believe. I've contacted the EPA.

And Sarah, please feel free to use this letter for any of those monsters. Can't they see what they're doing?

Nikki said...

What, No free product? The bastards!

Jackie said...

Outstanding. Maybe you should apply for the surgeon general job--so you could write those little warning labels. I'll vote for you, okay?

Jennifer said...

It has been well documented that I have the same exact problem with Hacker Pschorrs. Those German fucks!!

Justin K. said...

Hilarious. Fuckin hilarious. I'll never drink that Coors vile again..

Anonymous said...

homo turkey say what?

YEAH Blue moon sux!