Wednesday, April 05, 2006

"And now we will chant 'Ohm' three times. . ."

If I’m not able to put my feet behind my head by Memorial Day, I’m demanding a refund from my yoga instructor.

I took my first real yoga class last night, and after an hour and 45 minutes of downward dog, happy baby, and warrior two poses, I walked out of the River West studio feeling like I was 6 inches taller and made of Jello.

I had my doubts, however. Going into this super-calm, incense-tinged studio immediately made me tense.

I was greeted by this annoyingly mellow receptionist who spoke to me in near whispers. I filled out my paperwork, handed over my dough and sat next to an open window to wait for my class.

As the minutes ticked by, I have to tell you, I can’t remember the last time I felt more uptight.

Chanting could be heard from the classroom finishing up. I started to get creeped out. Barefoot Gwyneth Paltrow wannabes began filing in wearing cute yoga outfits and clutching Prada yoga mats. I looked down at my 12-year-old Georgetown T-shirt and started to panic. Shit. This was supposed to be a beginners class!

I ran over to the desk.

Captain Spastic: Thisisthebeginnersclassright? IdonthaveamatcanIborrowamat?WheredoIgoagain?

Moon Unit: Yes, this is the beginner's class. It will start soon and you’ll find everything you need along the back of the wall. Just through that door.

I felt a little better and did I ever need a yoga class after all that.


nikki said...

Glad I passed on this class with you! I would have been in the same panic!

Nick said...

I've done a yoga class at the gym and it was too frightening for me. So I can completely empathize.

SuburbanMom said...

This is hilarious! I can only imagine your panic state when you realized you didn't have THE mat! Too funny! Stick with it!

Vanderbilt Ignoble said...

Please notify your readers when you are finally able to put your feet behind your head. Maybe setup a mailing list or something, sky-writing or carrier pigeons, I don't know, I just feel like I want to know when it happens. In detail.