An onslaught of bible-thumpers hits the streets in my neighborhood once winter says its final goodbye. I think those people, and the relentless parade of ice cream trucks playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” are far more detrimental to my well-being than anything the mean streets of Chicago can throw my way.
On Saturday I left my apartment to suck up some free WiFi and caffeine when I saw packs of evangelists knocking on doors and stopping folks on the sidewalk, to spread the good word. I’ve always tried to be polite in the past if I’m approached, but Saturday I was feeling a bit combative.
Churchie: (in Spanish, handing me some leaflet): Hello, do you have a moment?
Me: I don’t speak Spanish. I’m in a hurry. I’m not interested.
Then I kicked her.
Churchie: You don’t have time for Jesus, you heathen! Ever hear of eternal damnation?
Alright, she really didn’t say that. But I know that’s what she meant when she thanked me nicely and let me pass. And yea, I didn’t really kick her.
I’ve always been of the mind that if you are truly confident and at peace about the choices you made in your life then you will not be remotely compelled to make others follow suit. Devoted your life to God? Rock on and leave me the hell alone. And besides that, I much prefer the Catholic flying-under-the-radar approach to expanding their membership by fighting the expansion of birth control in the 3rd World.
Can I get an Amen? And how about an ice cream sandwich while you’re at it.
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6 comments:
Did you ever notice that the Jesus freaks have to come to your house and nobody ever comes to your house to see if you like to try liquor, smoking or gambling? That's because people willingly do those things.
One of my friends used to answer the door and claim to be pagan.
God I hate jesus freaks.
I was recently accosted on Michigan Avenue by a couple of Christian missionaries who were from some religous group at Wheaton College. These kids were about 18 or 19 years old, and the started to tell me about God's truth.
I asked them is maybe they were a little young to be telling grown-ups about God's truth. Still they wanted to chat me up, so I let them. During our conversation, I think I may have accidentally turned them against their evangelical church and planted the seeds of secularism in their brains.
I hope God forgives me.
I'd rather have a jesus freak trying to save my immortal soul than a scientologist trying to persuade me into a free personality test...
Next time they come to your door, crank up AC/DC's Highway to Hell, and be a good neighbor by offering them a Cold Budweiser or shot of Jack Daniels.
Better yet, if the person is the same gender as you, pretend you're gay/lesbian and hit on them.
If that doesn't scare them away, I don't know what will.
We could solve the War on Terror by giving the Wacko Muslims and Jesus Freaks unlimited guns, Korans, Bibles and rifle ammo in an open field far away from civilization and let them attempt to proselytize/kill each other. That way, the rest of the world could live in peace.
Down with all religious extremists, regardless of faith/background!!
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