Drunken Monologue

For tonight's class I have to turn in a one page monologue for a character we created in last week's class. I feel creatively stifled by the character (a 38-year-old soon to be divorced man who sells insurance and has a plastic surgery addiction) I came up with, so here's one that's a little closer to my universe. Some of these lines have actually been said by actual people I know.

Ahem. Here goes. . .

It's me. You up? It's not that late . . .3:30? Oh. . .well why in the hell did you answer your phone then? In a cab. . I don't know. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Cab driver? MR. CAB DRIVER? Where am we? Lake Shore and what? Gram? Grand? Oh, yeah Grand. I'm like 15 minutes away. I have to pee can I pee at your house? What do you mean what's wrong with my bathroom? I'm in a cab asshole. Hey, Mr. Cab driver? MR. CAB DRIVER! Uh tell this guy you won't let me pee in this cab. See? I told you. My bathoom's fine. I got a new shower curtain and it's sooooooooooooooooooooo cute. It's red and pink and yellow and red. Oh, I don't feel so good. I need air. Excuse me, Mr. Cab driver? MR. CAB DRIVER! Can you roll down my window a little, it stinks in here. Wait a minute someonesbeepin in. Hello? What? I can't hear you dumbass! I'm in a cab. I told Brian, God! Gyros? That sounds fucking awesome. What he thinks because he bought flowers it's all ok? Fuck that. FLOWERS DIE! They fucking die. Tell him I said that. No, I'm going straight home. I didn't call no one. Ask my cab driver. Excuse me, Mr. Cabdriver? MR. CAB DRIVER? Uh, can you tell my stupid drunk friend that you're taking me straight home and I'm going anywhere near Halsted and 15th. See? Would a cabbie lie? I think it's like an oath or whatever. OK Bye. . . No, I'm still going to Halsted and 15th, that was just. . . SHIT!. . . Still there? Sorry. Roosevelt and Columbus. It was ok. They're still up there. Lincoln Park is ba-roooo-tal! Not much. Some beers and a shot that looked like urine. Golden shower? Come on. Cigarettes. Just cigarettes. Really. OK, a couple puffs of a cigar. No I'm not going to puke. . . I can handle it. What are you going to be for halloween? SO WHAT IF YOU'RE 40! I'm going to be a undercover vice detective from the 70s. I've got an afro, and I'm going to carry around fake coke, money, and a gun around. That's not stupid, it's cool. Fuck. I really have to pee! Yeah, have a beer ready. And I'm not coming over to do it. I just really need to pee.