Friday, September 02, 2005

My two cent's worth

I’m sure a lot of us are thinking about what we would do if we were stuck in New Orleans right now. How would I react? How would my family survive?

This morning on the bus I came to the following conclusion. My family (that is my white family) would be looting the hell out of that town. I can tell you conclusively that T.V. cameras wouldn’t catch them with armloads of birth control, bibles, or the complete works of Tolstoy.

Try, perhaps, raw materials to restart the family meth business that the feds so rudely put an end to a few years ago (hey, the Fords had cars, the Smuckers have jelly. ) Then maybe gardening shears to cut house arrest bracelets, and some really bad outfits. And of course all the booze and smokes they can get their hands on.

Here’s what I think a few of my family members would loot and how'd they fare in anarchy:

My mom: She’d loot tabloids, black hair dye, diet coke and then go find a couch somewhere and chill until the National Guard came. She'd probably hang out with the guys who took the T.V's then be really pissed when they all realized how useless it was.

Aunt Sheila: She’d loot firearms, and lots of them. Then I think she wouldn’t be all that concerned with getting to a shelter. She’d set off an a mad hoochie hunt to find my uncle’s girlfriend.

My Uncle Mark: Now I’d be inclined to steer WAY clear of him during a state of lawlessness. His mind is so fried from the drugs he did in the 70s there’s no telling how he would react. But he did spend some time in the marines before going AWOL and he used to go on these acid/hunting trips for days. He'd come back spinning yarns about seeing Bigfoot in the woods. So I think there are some viable survival skills there. . .

My brother Chad: He’d definitely stock up on assorted Little Debbie Snack cakes. Then he’d round up a group of vigilantes to patrol the streets and carry out “Chad’s Law.”

1 comment:

specialk said...

you fucking crack me up!
MY family would pilfer import beer, diapers, chips and salsa, and then drive off in the family suburban because it can take about 3 foot of water with the upgraded higher suspension. Better yet, i would tow my big boat behind the truck just to piss people off!