1. My ass will unwittingly become some TV station’s B-roll for one of those “America is getting fatter” stories.
2. That I’ll be one those women who have NO idea they’re pregnant and end up giving birth in line at the Jewel one day. Then I’d have to lug the kid AND my groceries home. Fuck.
3. That I’ll stumble upon a dead body one day while rushing to work and have to take the day off to deal with the media, police, etc. On second thought. . . maybe that’s not all that irrational.
4. That when I finally reach the big time and David Letterman wants to interview me, I'll have to drink a lot beforehand to loosen up, I'll drink way too much and he'll never want me to come back.