In bizarro world, I’m on my second husband. Just right behind Christie Brinkley and JLo.
Because I can’t go a single, solitary summer weekend without pissing in a port-o-potty, I did my part to support Amtrak and went to the big BoDeans concert in breathtaking Peru, Ill-a-noise.
I was wandering around the crowd there on Saturday, trying to find my “friends” who ditched me like an unwanted child at the Taste when I went to meet up with my sister (“They’ll text me or call, I just know it,” I repeated to myself hopefully).
From behind me I heard, “Hey! Did you get married again?”
I turned to find this guy I knew from back in the day. He apparently thought I married this buffoon from college (and consequently took his name) and then remarried recently. There’s an Angie Buffoon in town, thus the confusion. I set him straight and went on my quest to find Drunk, Drunker, and Drunkest. I was somewhere in between Drunker and Drunkest, fyi.
Anyway, I’ve decided to put my fabulous imagination to work and concoct a sordid past that I’ll have friends spread about me. What I’ve really been up to during the past 10-15 years is awfully bland, well most of it is. So if anyone has any ideas . . . let ‘em rip!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
The best way to concoct this imaginary past would be to use Brian Eno's oblique strategies method. Put a bunch of written items on index cards, throw them in the air, shuffle em, whatever, then pick a few and run with it. Here's some starters for you:
Exotic jobs:
1. Inspector of tuna fishermen's nets for evidence of dead dolphins
2. Business Software Alliance - software piracy investigator
3. Circus/zoo dietician - gotta keep the elephants regular
4. Steel mill safety inspector
5. Train conductor
Husbands/boyfriends
1. French pop culture columnist
2. Masochist gas station owner
3. Competitive eating local champion
4. Former soap star with halitosis
5. Video game designer
Places:
1. Cambodia
2. Venezuela
3. Halifax, Nova Scotia
4. Kansas
5. Luxembourg
Throw is a few near death experiences, airplane engine failures, stalkers, and maybe an Atlanitc City palm reader, and poof!
You've got an exotic background!
I'd also suggest improbably James Bond plot points as additional reasons that you might now have been around.
You know, stuff like:
1) recovering stolen nuclear warheads
2) preventing earthquakes in California
3) keeping Fort Knox from being robbed
4) killing clones to prevent the lanch of a gigantic space laser platform
Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm--I'm so going down to Bridgeport and stalk you. You rock.
T2ed--I'm so going to Michigan and stalk you. You rock.
VP OF SALES AT THE BUNNY RANCH.
Post a Comment